Friday, May 26, 2006
Attached Again
Whoo! After 3 months, I'm finally attached.
She's nicer than Ilyana. She's more appreciative than Ilyana. She's more caring than Ilyana.
Lol... She looks just as good as Ilyana. I love her just as much as Ilyana (that's the max i can love... lol). And best of all, she's got Ilyana's personality.
After 3 months, I'm no longer single. I'm no longer thinking of the nasty cold bitch that put me through hell.
Now, all I can think of is this... erm... angel... that's so nice, I can't even comprehend her.
Like seriously... I can sense she's really caring/loving... And she's the girl of my dreams... Wow
For those of you who don't know yet, you're prolly anxious to know her name. Heh...
Her name is...
...
...
...
...
...
...
DRUMROLL...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
R Ilyana!
ROFLMFAO... Yes, it's her again... For the 3rd time. But yeah, she's changed a lot, and she doesnt even know it. Lol...
She's everything I've loved, and more...
I'm HIIIGGGGGHHHHH! w00t!
Ash R Sheikh finished at
6:36 PM
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Depression at its peak
I feel damn weird today. Taking a moment to look and reflect, I feel like I'm kinda caught between my asshole self and my nicer self.
Since Ilyana left me...again...my *ahem* ashhole side has been moving at full speed. I have to admit. I've been becoming more and more of an ass by the day. Starting to do sch work and stuff, starting to help out with Engine... etc. I've become so fucking competent, but my personality has dropped in value i think.
I also kinda realised that since Ilyana came back into the picture, i've been a little cold towards her. Either it's just who I am, or the sub-conscious side of me is dying to let her know how shitty she treated me. I don't know. For the moment, I can't do anything abt it.
Then today, I actually sat down and had a chat with her in person. It felt weird. I just didnt know how to perceive and react to anything. I was such a brain-jammed zombie. wtf
She told me last night she thinks she loves me. Funny though... I've missed her all this while to the point that missing her is peanuts already. Even if i dont see or hear from her for hours, im not troubled. I guess I'm too used to her absence now.
And here's the funniest thing. In a way, I'm starting to become even more like her. Shit has been thrown at me so much lately... The stress is unnerving... I am at the verge of yet another breakdown. And that means I'll end up being more whacked than Ali.
Maybe it's because of all the problems... Maybe it's because my feelings for Ilyana are retaking their dominant role in my life... Maybe it's just me thinking too much again. I don't know. I don't care anymore.
Fuck =[
Ash R Sheikh finished at
7:12 AM
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Errr
I am suddenly calm.
I need to get ilyana out of my head.
I keep forgetting to post the poem i wrote about her, a month ago.
I shall do it soon.
I can't live without her. =.=
That's why I haven't had a personal life lately.
What is wrong with me?
I have her birthday present ready.
Just gotta wait a month to give it.
Bye
Ash R Sheikh finished at
7:17 AM
Monday, May 22, 2006
I love hate
I've known her for months already. Why haven't I learnt my lesson?
IT IS POINTLESS TO BE NICE TO HER. Coz she simply can't recipocate to that. She just throws shit right back in your face.
Sighs... And because of her, I've been getting a serious lack of sleep lately. I purposely stayed up Sun night/Mon morning just to keep her company after she woke up at 1am. I even forced myself to stay awake until 4am just to make sure she went back to sleep - coz she needs it more than I do...
Yesterday, I was already so fucking exhausted. But I decided to stay awake until she woke up again. She was feeling kinda shitty. I wanted to know if she was feeling alright after her nap. I stayed up until 3am.
Pointless.
Why do I have to love her still? Fuck.
Ash R Sheikh finished at
7:41 PM
Sunday, May 21, 2006
ZOMG! SHE APOLOGISED!
Let me savour the moment.
As Ilyana herself puts it... "YES! THAT BITCH HAS FINALLY APOLOGISED!"
"O RLY?"
"YA RLY!"
"O RLY?"
"YA RLY!"
"O RLY?"
"YA RLY!"
"NO WAI!!!"
"YES WAI!!!"
"NO WAI SRSLY!"
"YES WAI SRSLY!"
I had been waiting oh so much for that. Bloody hell. I've accepted her apology, but I still wanna run the bloody murderous javascript on her for putting me through hell. Some wounds run very fucking deep. Fuck la...
Please, Ifah, don't ever mention on this blog or my tagboard what I've been saying to you abt her for the past 2 months. She doesn't know much, so let's keep it that way...
After quite a long convo, where my favourite part was
hysteric* says:
i realised i was in the wrong
hysteric* says:
DO U KNW HOW HARD THAT IS?
A.R.S says:
OMG
hysteric* says:
o_O what?
A.R.S says:
YOU ACTUALLY REALISED YOU WERE IN THE WRONG???
A.R.S says:
OKAY
A.R.S says:
you deserve your 5th nobel prize
hysteric* says:
=__________________________________________=
hysteric* says:
ouch.
THIS FINALLY CAME:
hysteric* says:
after days of thinking (ouch ouch ouch)
hysteric* says:
I've realised it was MOSTLY my fault so I humbly (ahahhaa) apologise to you =D
Now, I can sleep peacefully at night. Now, I still hate her... a wee bit...
Hey, I'm not all Mr.Forgive-and-Forget-Easily anymore... Things have changed. Now I shall delete all the posts I don't want her to see...
Funny... She apologised today. *looks at date*
Ash R Sheikh finished at
4:48 AM
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Hatred is love
I hate Ilyana.PERIOD. Okay, maybe I still love her a lot... BUT I HATE HER HELL OF A LOT MORE! It was rather therapeutic telling her off... Somewhat...
Not a day goes by without her last words playing in my head. "So you gonna fuck off now?"... And the look she gave me. Oh, go die pls...
I have issues.
Weird. First time round, it was my fault she became cold. The second time round, I guess we're even.
I have no intention to meet her face to face... Not yet. Not within the next few weeks. Not within the next few months.
I am ser-i-ously pissed with her. It's about time she got a taste of her own medicine.
Everytime she's around, my freaky abilities kick in. I sense it whenever she's around. I hate it. They say if you love someone, you're blind to their faults. Now I hate her so much, I'm blind to my love for her. It's.That.Bad.
I tried so hard and got so far, in the end, it doesn't even matter...
Ash R Sheikh finished at
10:24 PM
Friday, May 19, 2006
Friday's a Stoner
In school right now... Using Gerard's laptop. I'm not really sure why I came to school in the first place. Oh, right, Ali said I could get free food and drinks... Which, might I add, I did not get.
Was supposed to have MCT lab from 8 to 12 this morning. But my body was in too much pain to get up from bed. Plus, my ass was still asleep. Couldn't budge from my room. I only got up at 11.15am after subuh.
Came to school by bus, crashed SME again. Here's the funny thing. The moment I reached the clubroom, I immediately helped out with their advertising poster. They need to make posters for their recruitment drive. And thanks to Atikah's reference to the slogan generator, I managed to get a few catchy lines to help with the 'campaign'. I especially helped out with the layout of the poster. So it goes with a huge SME logo at the top, with the slogan of "Your presence is our force" underneath. Then, it finishes with a large bold "We can't drive without YOU" somewhere in the middle. It's still in the works right now. If I can get a copy of the final draft, I'll try to post it up here.
Been messaging Ilyana since I came to school. Initially, it seemed like she too had come to school with no reason. She has filming today, some weird sch project. However, nobody was free. But interestingly enough, she was persistent, and got 3 people to help her out. She's prolly doing the filming as I'm typing this.
SIghs... I've got completely nothing to do right now. I'm shagged. Really shagged. After I helped out with SME, i followed Ali to the Student Alumni Association building. Got stuff from his Japanese Cultural Group locker. Passed by Design a few times. Actually went into it twice as well. Twice to the canteen, once through the school compound itself.
I swear, it felt weird and somewhat good to walk through Design again. It's been 2 months. Goodness...
I miss Ilyana. It was good to see her again yesterday, though she didnt see me. Haha... Nonetheless, I'm still hating her. Somethings don't go away so easily.
I'm actually wondering why she's even talking to me. SHe was the one who eventually insisted never to talk to each other again... Oh well...
Now, I need to resume stoning. Not sure if I'm going for Da Vinci Code later on. My sis, Ifah, isn't sure if she can make it. ANd I'm still trying to drag Ali along. I seriously hope there's nothing in this movie that'll seriously remind me of Ilyana. THe last time I saw a movie that personal, it was Tristan & Isolde. I had a hard time watching that. Really.
Okay peeps. I shall go now. Take care... Tata for now.
Ash R Sheikh finished at
1:14 AM
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
With a name like Ash, it has to be good
I tried out the slogan webbie that Atikah visited. I got really weird slogans... Most of them are actually kinda innuendo...
The first was
"Ash - It does the Body good"
then came
"See the Ash, feel the shine"
"The Ash of Champions"
"Show me the Ash!"
"You press the Ash, we do the rest"
"Tough on Dirt, Gentle on Ash"
"Loves the Ash you hate"
"Ask the man from the Ash"
"The curiously strong Ash"
"Let your fingers do the walking through the Ash"
"Is the Ash in you?"
"Things happen after an Ash"
...this could go on for ages...
...Atik, you're so gonna love this one...
"Ring around the Ash gets your whole WASH clean"
and what the hell does "Cleans right around the Ash" mean??? =.=
THE ONE I LOVE THE MOST
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
DRUMROLL...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
IF YOU CAN'T BEAT ASH, JOIN ASH
ALL ASH, ALL THE TIME
MOVING AT THE SPEED OF ASH
WOW! COULD HAVE HAD AN ASH
IF YOU LIKE A LOT OF ASH ON YOUR BISCUIT, JOIN OUR CLUB
WHEN YOU'VE GOT ASH, FLAUNT IT
IF YOU WANT TO GET AHEAD, GET AN ASH
...
and here's my golden ticket...
What can Ash do for you?
P.S. The title of this entry is another slogan too...
Ash R Sheikh finished at
4:53 AM
Tired and Cranky
As the title suggests, im exhausted and highly snappy.
Had appreciation lunch just now. Deanne was actually nice enough to talk to me again, after God knows how many weeks. See, that's the weird thing about girls. They say something but they don't mean it... Generally speaking...
One such example is Ilyana. Yes, I confess, it's great having her to chat with again... But it's not so overwhelming as before. I'm not gonna lie and say all my negative thoughts and emotions toward her have vanished into thin air.
As much as I love her, I'm still holding a very big grudge against her. Somethings don't change. I've kept my promise to her, and I've stayed single. In fact, I'm sorta just surviving with single life. I've been surviving that way for so long, I'm actually very used to it.
Though someone please explain why her photo was the first thing I uploaded into my phone the moment I got it. Someone please explain why I've never swam more than 23 laps anymore. Explain why I actually study in class. Tell me why I restocked my cupboard with black and threw away my adidas shoes. Someone please tell me why I waited for her.
My freaky abilities seem to work only when she's around now. Freaky indeed.
It's very funny. I spent the past couple of months praying I'd be able to see her again one day. I prayed so hard for her to come back to me. Now that we're on talking terms, I'm not really all that head-over-heels-wants-her-to-be-my-girlfriend.
For now, I'm contented with her being my friend. We've caught up a little, and she's still as annoying as usual. I wouldn't have it any other way. I still love her though. But apparently, the channel for that strong emotion to come out is being blocked by the huge grudge im holding against her. Not a single day passes by that I don't remember the last few words she spoke to me 2 months ago.
I hate her for it.
Well, in other less depressing news, I skipped AGM today. Was supposed to attend the BIE club annual general meeting. I guess I'm too worked up and worn out to go for it. Guys, I'm very sorry I can't attend. Iris, I sincerely apologise as your friend and fellow Dip Head for not being able to come for the AGM. I'll make it up to you all.
Sighs... Gonna start playing FEAR again soon. Bernie got shitscared when he started playing last night. Dude, now you know the shitty thoughts and feelings that spiked through me when I played it. Welcome to the club. ROFLMFAO
Ash R Sheikh finished at
3:30 AM
Monday, May 15, 2006
Old Ingredients, New Recipe
After a whole day of scaring myself shitless, I finally have a little time for self-reflection (after oh so long).
One thing I noticed is that much of my past is somewhat suddenly popping back up in my present life. It's scary, somewhat, and very much meaningful - to a certain extent.
Firstly, I realized I'm writing a story of my old self, and my old/former brother. The classic Smasak & Legender story. Sighs... Haven't been Smasak for about a week or so already. Haha... The part that's new is the little inspiration that I got playing F.E.A.R. And of course, from my lovely Stargate. Heh... Fusion of the old and new. I guess that's what this stage in my life's all about, no?
Secondly, I'll be hanging out with a lot of old friends, too. Zarifah, Phoebe, Justin, my five children. People that I have been hanging out with quite often in the past. But over the one month that I've been committed to Engine as a Diploma Head, I haven't been in touch with them. All my friends sort of got cut off from me during this period. And now it's the time I'm reconciling old bonds.
Lastly, but most definitely not the least, Ilyana posted a comment on my livejournal. I must say, it was a very unexpected surprise - a somewhat pleasant one at that. I take like over 2 months to get over her, and she pops right back in - eventhough somewhat briefly. It just proves me that I can really get rid of my feelings. I just bury them deep somewhere inside. And quite honestly, I think that's the best thing that's happened all day. It's gonna be 2 months since we last spoke in a week's time. Lol
Well, anyway, I gotta go off now. Considering playing F.E.A.R again. Goodness... Hope I have the sufficient balls to play it again. I'm in the middle of Alma Wades' hellhole. Shit happens very frequently in the game. Maybe I'll just take a raincheck and play it during the day tomorrow.
Whoo! Appreciation Lunch for all mentors is on Wednesday, 1pm. W00t! Free lunch! Kenny, you bastard! You still owe me a drink. That's what you get for arguing with a comic/superhero fan-geek.
Ash R Sheikh finished at
8:13 AM
Conquered by the game
Warning: Extensive VulgarityThat's it... I confess! The game has beaten me. I cannot take it already... Goodness...
I climbed down a ladder only to see the mini-sadako-in-red-dress standing in front of me. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! It scared the living shit outta me.
The game is cool, but highly absurd as well. I jump into the sewer carrying a rifle. Little sadako comes through the sewer wall running at me. Bullets dont do shit... She suddenly disappears through the pipes.
That is one scary little girl. Alma Wades wins Sadako anytime. Sheesh... When I got to the ladder part, I was worried I'd see Alma at the bottom of the damn thing. When I turned around to climb down, there she was. FUCKING SHIT!
I immediately quit the game and came back online. F.E.A.R is crack!
I'm no horror buff, so this kinda shit is way over my head. Not gonna try and reach for that level. It's too much for me.
Ash R Sheikh finished at
3:17 AM
Sunday, May 14, 2006
FEARs
Never before have I been so scared shitless by a computer game before. I've been playing F.E.A.R these past two days, and I swear... I'm really freaked out. Dark environments... Corpses popping up just next to you, talking to you... Little girl with gray skin, long black hair and red dress running around wherever you're supposed to go. OMGOMGOMG
Sighs... Been feeling extremely lethargic since yesterday too. Migrane somewhat. I'm supposed to be in sch right now. But nooooo... I'm still sitting on my ass in front of the damn computer. Haven't been getting enough rest lately... Not proper rest at least. I'm so darn exhausted.
This week, I shall not be a Dip Head. I shall be the quiet old me that goes home right after school. But I promised to help/follow Ali upgrade his wardrobe. So once that's done, I'm gonna start being a 'homie'. Lol... Sis, I shall try your concept now. Hahaha...
My mental fortitude is seriously depleted. I need Me-Time. I haven't had that in too long a time. Been dedicating too much to friends and school. I haven't had much of a personal life this past 1-2 months.
Well, things have been changing rapidly for me recently. I can only hope it's at a pace I can adapt at.
Okay then people... I gotta get my ass to school. Got Engine Maths 3 tutorial at 1, followed by a dastardly boring 3 hours of Programmable Automation lab. =.=
I need a life.
Ash R Sheikh finished at
8:21 PM
Friday, May 12, 2006
New Bonds and Old Ties
Gerard, Ali, sorry for bailing on you guys yesterday.
Well, yesterday I went to meet up with my 'sis', Ifah. I have paid my debt. And I added in a little interest. Not exactly to her.
I met her best friend, Farizah, whom, might I add, has the most beautiful smile i've ever seen. She's very friendly too... And like me, she lives to annoy people. Haha...
Well, managed to catch up a lot with ifah. Heh... My old pri sch best-friend-turned-rival is in her poly now. Goodness... Zarir is a serious jerk. Playboy too.
Back in the day, he seemed to like every single girl that I liked. The bastard. And he kept on winning the hearts of the gals, simply because he was better looking. I admit. I'm still keeping a grudge against him to this very day. I regarded him as a brother then. He was my first best friend in pri sch. We were tight. But but but, he got new friends and alienated me. Even humiliated me a lot.
Well, Zarir, you got yours now. I hope you suffer over and over again until the day you die. Then, may you rot in hell by the devil's backside.
Aaanyway, I'm not sure if I'll be going for Xinlong's birthday party/chalet tomorrow. Not sure if I have the energy to go. I'm still pretty much exhausted. Haven't had much time for myself lately. But things are gonna change.
Ash R Sheikh finished at
5:12 AM
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Recuperating
Shagged. That's all that comes to mind right now. My ass is aching, and my entire body is cramped. Whoever said you don't get exercise in poly, is craptastically nuts...
Had MachTech lab lesson this morning. Can't believe I wasted 4 bucks on that =.=
It is, by far, the WORST module I've ever taken. Shit hell... I don't mind handling all the heavy machinery. In a way, it helps me work out and lose all that extra weight I've gained over the past few weeks. I'm chubby now. Crud...
Anyway, the part I hated most about the lab was HOW i had to operate the machinery. I was a complete blur sotong. Coz everything had D&T written all over. Diameter this, countersunk that... Pure hell I tell ya... The worst part about is, LAB LASTS FOR 4 DAMN HOURS! Bloody sheesh...
Now, the crap is over, and I've spent the past hour in the comfortable aircon of the SME (Society of Manufacturing Engineers) clubroom. SME is the social/studies club for Mechatronics students in TP. Heh... The good part about being Diploma Head, is that I belong to every club now... Well, relatively. Haha... They all let me crash their clubrooms. SO whattheheck... Lol
Oh, Yong Tian, my partner Diploma Head for Mechatronics, is the new President of SME. Had I opted to sign on for SME, I'd prolly end up being Vice-President or something, since I'm somewhat new and I'm Yong's junior. But I'm not into all these politics. I'm just around to help Engine, and correct when cockups occur. In other words, I'm the Freelance Specialist of Engine. Hahahah
2 more hours to go to Engine Maths 3 tutorial. Then after that, there'll be Principles of Dynamics tutorial. An hour each, and 5pm will finally come. Gonna slack in one of the clubrooms again later on. Leave sch at 6, head to interchange to repair my glasses. Sheesh... My right screw came loose and the lense fell off. Sighs. This is like the 14823754127385418927345123th time this has happened. Goodness...
Now, let me see the debts I owe.
I owe my dear sister, Zarifah, a sundae. Likely gonna clear my debt later.
I owe my other dear sister, Phoebe, a movie treat. Gonna treat her to X-3.
I also owe my 'dad', Justin, a movie treat. Shall drag him for DVcode.
I owe myself more hours of sleep. Shall sleep early tonight.
I owe my tummy a good lunch...
Hrm... Better get working on that last debt. Fod's seducing me from afar... I shall head to the canteen now... I'll see ya guys around. Take care all... Astalavista...
Ash R Sheikh finished at
10:05 PM
New Order
As of Wednesday, 10 May 2005, I officially hate all Designers. A certain designer, who'm I have been seeing around lately, had this air of arrogance about him. And it hit me right smack in the face how badly Ily had treated me. Designers have unmatched egos and they live in their own world.
And today, 10 weeks after Ily dumped me a second time, my hate for her has finally surpassed my love for her. Thank God...
The only two similarities she and I have left in common are:
1. We hate each other
2. We both have sworn off relationships
I've had it. Enough is enough.
Anyway, in less pressing news... My old mentor came back to TP today - Ra'sh. Lol... He and I think on the same frequency. He even aspires to be an RSAF pilot like me. The only differences are that he's graduated, and he has attended Basic Commando Training in the army.
Initially, I was feeling very much discouraged from signing on for the Air Force. But today, the Master has reminded the student not to give up. He has brought out the hopeful in me. Ra'sh, thanks a bunch man!
Oh, both Angela and Shahidah have remarked that I look very unfriendly. They say I have this very angry anti-social face when I walk around. Lol... Ohkay... Nehmind. Shall take what they say under advisement. I shall try to be more friendly now. Haha.. Like I always say, there's always room for improvement, and there's always a first time for everything.
Yesterday, myself, Ali, several other mentors and facilitators went out for dinner to celebrate Melissa's (FA) birthday. We smeared her birthday cake all over her face. And for that, we guys got bitten by her on our arms. Her bite mark is still on my arm. It's swollen now, and it hurts donkey balls.
After the celebration, we went to the block opposite Srisun Parata Paradise to play games. lol... yeah... We were like little kids sitting in a circle under the block, and playing "Go back jump, go jump go". Haha... Fun stuff.
Now I'm unsure as to whether I wanna go with the Dip Heads for Ice Skating this weekend, or if I wanna follow the rest of the FAs and Mentors for Xinlong's birthday chalet. Hrm... Decisions decisions.
And before I go off... There's one thing I wanna clarify. People, stop calling me Ashraf. It's Ash now... Raf is my middle name. They're completely separated, so call me Ash only. Kapeesh?
Ash R Sheikh finished at
6:59 AM
Monday, May 08, 2006
Rising from the ashes
Well, since I've been given a new identity, new look, new friends, new perspective, and a new life, I thought it fitting that it came with a fresh new blog.
Here's pretty much how my life has changed...
Firstly, it's coming to two months that I've been surviving without Rabiatul Ilyana. Yes, she still haunts my thoughts, but the horrid effect's not as bad as before. Not a day passes that my last moments with her play over and over in my head. I've gotten used to the pain, somewhat...
Anyway, secondly, I've grown to love Engineering so much. I used to hate it back when it was stale and oh-so-boring... Now, it's been woken up. Engineering has become a hyped and fun-filled school. Heh... It's so darn great, that I've been stayin in school until 7-8pm. Sometimes I stay all the way 'till 9 or 10pm.
Oh, and I am the underdog no longer. I can walk down the Engine concourse and at least half the people there know me. Not to mention, I have actual friends from my school now. We hang out and crap a lot together, and we help each other out with our academic and social problems.
Thirdly, my cupboard finally has much black in it! w00t! Yes, I have more black clothes now. And there's not a damn thing my dad can do about it.
Fourthly, I'm doing relatively well in class now. I can actually pay attention. Oh, and here's a little something that happened today. Since I was sick last week, I wasn't aware of a tutorial I had to do. When I went for EMath3 class just now, this cute lass sat down beside me. She was a math genius... She offered me her work - she asked if I wanted to write one of her solutions on the board so that I can get class participation points. Like WHOA! Initially, I was having a little uncertainty regarding the topic, she noticed and helped me out. O.O Her name was Christina.
Lol... She was very nice. But nah, she ain't my type. Haha
Oh, last but not least, I've finally gotten my creative juices flowing. I've actually started back on my writing. I'm currently producing a written series, and I'm still working on my Real Legends SAGA. I hope I have the mental fortitude to keep this up.
Well, Desperate Housewives is starting, and I should get going. I'll see you guys around. Take care people...
Ash R Sheikh finished at
6:37 AM